Men are selfish!.

Today Sunday 25/8/2024 my dad confessed that he is indeed already married to another woman for years, I already suspected it for a long time. My doormat mom was delusional on how she can be oblivious to dad selfish traits and still believe in LOVE?!. For years my dad treat my mom like a slave before this he already cheated and someone saw him and his mistress in the mall. To be honest I expected nothing from my dad, he is the laziest, useless piece of trash, broke, he never give any nafkah to his children and my mom, he is the most stingiest piece of trash, who contribute his sperm only. All these time my mom is the one who work hard to get passive income for this family, I dropped out from university also because of him, he always said he does not have money?, but have money to have second wives WTF. All of these felt like dream, I just can't believe it's happening on my family, but I am not suprised, why, because I've been holding up all kind of abuse from narcissitic older brother. My mom really cried her eyes out and I do feel sorry for her, I am glad I don't even one visit him when he is sick deadbeat in hospital. Part of me is actually relief if he dead. Men are not worth to love by a women. marriage is a strategic business for women, women should protect their womb don't birth for useless men sperm. Actually I don't care how my mom feels, why because she is a doormat to the core, how I wish to born in better family, at least rich family so I don't have to put up all type of drama, I have been abused md neglegted for many years already. I don't want deadbeat, broke, stingy, selfish and narcissist as a dad, he contribute nothing in this family.

Your Ex will Moving On

I found out Arif Kiswantoh got married yesterday, we were in the talking stage in September 2021 and broke up in October 2021, I plead with him to get back in December 2021, that was the last time I contacted him, he was always on my mind every single day, of course he blocks me on everything, I did what I could to get back with him, but he won't meet me on the halfway and he did not dm me back, then it hit me, he never love me, of course, I stalk him nearly 6 months, till today, my older sister was showing off her new phone, I used her phone to check on him on Instagram, and then I found out he got engaged on January 2022 and got married yesterday 8 June 2022, I did cry a little, my heart was burning for sure, I was feeling mad that I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

Well, Arif congratulations on your wedding it was always what you wished for, I hope you loved her, please love her with all your heart and be happy. Please have a great life with your wife.

I'm sure, I am also at fault here, I was never ready for marriage, there are so many goals that I want to achieve, I was insecure in everything and Allah said I'm not ready, everything happens for a reason. You are that fit every criteria in a man that I want to marry, I know I was not ready to get married, I don't feel regret about anything, but I will use this as a fuel for me to get forward to get what I want in life, thank you for everything and I'm sorry for everything.

I realize I need to let go of my obsession with you, I don't love you and I realize that too, you are my comfort zone and my happy moment even it just for a second.

This song reminds me of when we were on the talking staged, I know you would not even gonna read this tho:-

This bitch is crying again

Today sunday 6/2/2022, at 3:40 am... I'm crying...because my stupid self can't help it but falls in love with a man who's I see has potential not someone who's give me all his effort to not lose me in reality. I'm crying because my pitiful self always chooses the wrong man.

why can't I be strong here, why men always disappointed me...I calculated my past with a man it always ended badly... BITCH I want to be treated like a queen I want flowers, I want reassurance, I want a loyal partner, I want stable financially man, I want funny, match my energy kinda man.

I want a man who's cares about my emotions about me as a human. I want someone who's communicates his day and ask me how my days was. ask me one to one.

Dear Allah please takes this loneliness away from me, I want to feel the happiness by being alone and being okay with it.

 Today I was again a stupid woman who chase her ex, I really want him to be in my life, I tried to convince him to be with me calmly and patiently, I really WANT him and only him. but hey lets list he's an asshole

1. He makes an excuse that he is busy with me, I sampai mimpi yang dia bercakap dengan orang lain sebenarnya.
2. he makes me more lonely than ever
3. our communication never works

Tinder & Love

 Tahun ni dah masuk 2021 I'm still single; I'm happy.. I fell in love secara tak sengaja dengan lelaki di tinder, he was soft spoken, well manner and gentleman la, aku  ni pulak ada trust issues, biasa lah lelaki suka beria mula2 je, lepas tu menghosting, dia boleh tahan la hensem jugak, dan bekerja sebagai engineer, he was boring as hell, mula2 je nak call aku, dia kata aku banyak cakapla, pemalas lah, termasuk hari ni 20/11/2021 dah 1 bulan lebih putus dengan dia, dia ajak keluar memula chat, aku macam itu dah red flags dah, bila aku sedih dia tak reti comfort aku langsung, aku je yang selalu gila2 dengan dia, buat lawak semua aku je, dia reti gelak sahaja. 

Dia berduit dan rajin buat kerja tapi banyak scandal, aku tahu, aku pun bukan baik sangat lead him on this relationship dok bagi alasan supaya tak jumpa, aku nak uji dia sejauh mana dia nak kat aku, itu pun silap aku juga, aku post kat blog ni pun sebab aku nak move on, aku terfikir juga kalau aku masih rindukan dia , aku boleh ke jumpa dia, keluar macam biasa, jawapan aku ternyata masih tidak walau sehensem mana pun dia sebaik mana pun dia, hati aku dah  tawar hati dan dah mati rasa untuk dia.

Kalau aku jumpa dia pun aku tak rasa aku boleh senyum semula lepas apa yang dia dah buat kat aku, ya allah kalau dia jodoh aku permudahkanlah pertemuan kami semula dan bagilah rasa cinta pada kau dan rasa cinta antara kami berdua.

Bila aku ada masalah aku tak boleh rely on him at all, sebab dia akan mengelat untuk bercakap pasal masalah dengan aku, aku tak nak jadi perempuan pengemis dekat dia, all can I say is, walaupun pengenalan kami ini pendek, kenangan manis nya akanku simpan, I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Thank You for the sweet memories that you gave it to me. Arif Kiswantoh....